S1E1

Alooooooha!

Well, it looks like I've been off the mish about three weeks now. And to say these last three weeks have been crazy would be the understatement of this dispensation. Yoh... Probably the last four or five months or so actually. The last time I had at least a semi-permanent residence was the six months I spent in Umlazi, and that time ended back in April. After getting transferred from there, I spent six weeks in Berea, four weeks in Thaba Nchu, two weeks in Durban for the PMTC, a week and a half or so staying in hotels with the parents while we toured Africa, a week at the apartment in Kaysville, a week with Blake and the grandparents in their new house, and now I've been in Hawaii with the fam bam the last week or so. And this isn't the end. After another week here, it'll be another week and a half with the grandparents before moving up to Logan for school. Don't get me wrong... The last few months have been absolutely incredible, and I wouldn't trade them for anything, but at the same time, living out of a suitcase really makes you appreciate the simple beauty in having a permanent place to set up base camp, even if conditions aren't grand. Remember that, kids.

Ah, so where to begin... Ok, maybe with my purpose in setting up this blog. Basically, returning home from mission has probably been one of the hardest things I've ever done. I'd been hearing from people for months and months that coming home from mission is hard and it's a big adjustment and blah blah blah, but I always just kinda brushed it off. I figured what they were talking about was adjusting back socially and figuring out how to have conversations with girls again without asking them how their Book of Mormon reading is going. While that is a legitimate concern, it's definitely not what people were talking about. And I realized that when it was my turn to head home. I landed in SLC on a Friday and gave my homecoming talk the following Sunday. For that weekend I was the spotlight, and everything seemed to be going great. I felt like I could still talk to people normally, people still remembered who I was... How was this going to be hard?! Well, after the party's over, reality starts to set in. Time hasn't frozen for a couple years just because you decided to do the Lord's work. You realize that no matter how badly you may wish it, life isn't going to be the same as it was two years ago. As you scroll through Facebook, you don't recognize a lot of your female friends because so many of them have different surnames. You see people that have moved away, people that have started families, people that have finished school, people that have careers... And you realize that as truly amazing as your mission was, in the real world, you're at virtually the exact same place you were two years ago. (This isn't taking into account all the real world experience you gain as a missionary, but that realization didn't hit me 'til much later.)

So the question that hits you like a ton of bricks is this: What next? Your only real option  at this point is to do something you've learned to do for two years straight: transition, get to work, and make the best of whatever life throws your way.

The transition was explained to me like this: the pre-mission you is person A, the mission you is person B, and the post-mission you is person C. Persons A and B are behind you, and you're trying to figure out who person C is. When you get off mission, you're likely going to want to be the closest thing to person B as you possibly can. Person B was great. Person B studied their scriptures every day, woke up and went to sleep on a set schedule, talked to everyone all the time about the gospel, bridled their passions for worldly things, and found an immense amount of joy in helping others to find an immense amount of joy. But you learn quickly that person B isn't really an option at this point. With so many real world priorities competing for your time, you find yourself slipping back into some of person A's habits you thought you'd ridded yourself of. Social media, for example. More on that in a minute. So you're at a crossroads. You have the agency to make person C whoever you want person C to be. In my mind, that would be taking the best parts of person A and the best parts of person B and balancing them out into a whole new person C. But that's the tricky part. Balance... I think there's a lot to that. Again, more on that in a minute. Shoutout to Kelsey and Tina Schwab for this analogy by the way!

Luckily, you're not taking this path to person C alone. Especially if you're in Utah. You're surrounded by people that have either taken the path themselves, or like you are currently on it. You'll find it really easy to reconnect with some people, and a bit more difficult with others. You'll realize that of your 1100 or so Facebook friends, there are some people you may not have any desire to reconnect with, but you realize that that's ok! Time is precious, and you want to spend it with the people that make you happiest. That's at least one thing you picked up over the last two years. So you do some reconnecting, and you find yourself roaming Station Park with people like Alexon Tiem, on the golf course with people like Ryan Francom (who you met a couple years earlier as Elder Francom, your first zone leader), or playing volleyball and habanero pong with the guys at Stephen Godderidge's bachelor party, and you realize that you've got a pretty awesome group of people around you. And after spending even more time with your family, you remember that they're probably the greatest people in your life. Especially after spending hours playing card games with your cousins, spending a week at the man cave with your grandpa, going to Warped Tour with your brother, and spending your first week at the new house in Hawaii with the fam bam.

So that's the reality I've been dropped back into. And making sense of/finding my place in it is tough, but it's good. It's a learning and growing experience. The Lord wants us to find balance in our lives. I learned this on mission, and I'm convinced more and more of it as time goes on. Balance between our passions and His will, balance between productivity and leisure, balance between justice and mercy, balance between most things. I remember back when I was a zone leader there was a disobedient missionary I was really struggling to reach out to. I talked to the Z Man a few times about him, and his suggestion was this: love him. Genuinely love him. Be his friend, and when the time is right, nudge him to try and be a little better. Find a balance between being his friend, but also not going off the deepend yourself. Elder Esplin (now Shandon, I guess, since we're both home now) suggested that finding balance in your life is all about choosing to use your time for the things that are actually most important. (We've also decided that life is all about settling... Choosing what you settle for. You have to settle for some things, but make sure you don't settle on the important things. For example, if money is tight, buy the no-name brand macaroni and cheese before you buy the one-ply toilet paper. Come on, don't settle when it comes to toilet paper.) So once you can figure out what's most important, the path starts to make itself clearer.

And that's the point I feel like I'm at right now. I feel like I have a pretty good idea of who I want person C to be. After some deep conversations with friends and family about the future, I've toyed with some lofty goals... Grad school and whatnot. I think I've got what it takes to go somewhere big. But as I started thinking about it, I asked myself... What do I want in life? What do I really, truly want? Happiness, obviously. And I think that happiness will ultimately come in the form of raising a family in the gospel. As long as I can live comfortably and provide for them, will I really need much else? I don't think so. Does it take a big, prestigious school to get me there? I mean it can't hurt... But not necessarily. So that's not to say I don't have big goals anymore, but I do think it's important to keep our eyes on the big picture and who we want to become when we're making plans, goals, and decisions about the future.

...so how does this all relate to my purpose in setting up this blog? Well, the person C I've envisioned doesn't waste as much time on social media as person A did, yet I keep finding myself mindlessly scrolling through newsfeeds. I wonder if this is how drug addicts feel... Haibo. But anyway, since person B loved writing his weekly letters home so much, why not keep that habit alive? That's kinda the thought that came to me yesterday. Call it serendipity if you'd like, but I'd like to call it inspired, so we're gonna roll with this for a while and see what happens. I've set some goals for myself to cut back on social media, and uh, we'll see how it goes! I'll probably cave a few times before kicking the habit for good, but hey... Isn't that kinda why Christ suffered for us? Give us a chance to get things right the second time (or third, or fourth, or however many times we need) as long as we're genuinely trying to be better?

Anyway, I should probably bounce for the day. Going on our first family drive in two years. More rambling coming your way next week. I'll try and figure out how to get pictures on here too. Hmmm...

Sala kahle, stay positive, and love your lives my friends.

Much love and aloha!

Dizzy
(That's what my dad's called me for years... And it fit best with the Arrested Development logo I ripped off, so...)